Where Am I Spending My Strength?

In Proverbs 31:3, King Lemuel's mother advises him, "Do not spend your strength on women, your vigor on those who ruin kings." I have been contemplating the phrase "spend your strength" all day. I feel there are three areas that I have been spending my strength that are not bringing honor to God.

Worrying- Having a teenager has challenged me!! It is so difficult to know when to trust and when to doubt, when to start pulling back a bit, and how to deal with not being number one in his life anymore. The pull of peers is so strong and my desire for him to make choices that honor God is stronger. I can feel Satan's desire for him, to steal him from the God that created him, to lure him with worldly things. I can give him limits, give him guidance, and love him unconditionally.....but it is ultimately his choice now what he will do with that. Long gone are the days I can just send him to the corner! (I miss those days) Parenting a teen is a balancing act and one I barely feel equipped for most days. The bible tells me to "Cast your anxiety on him because he cares for you." 1 Peter 5:7 Spending my strength on worry and not prayer is silly. God knows better than I do what Ruben needs and will equip me and will fill in the gaps where I fail. The safest place for my son to be is placed at the feet of Jesus. I love that He is always waiting for me to come to Him with my needs.

Petty work issues- I need to rise above pettiness at work. When there are legitimate problems, I will certainly address them. But, I need to let some things go! Bringing that stress home saps my strength from my family and I want them to get my best!

Computer time- I love the internet! It is so much easier to read about cleaning instead of doing it! Looking at recipes is so fun....but then when my family wants dinner and I'm not sure what it is....not a great use of time. I get so many great ideas and inspiration from the web that I know the answer is not to turn it off completely. I'm not sure yet what this will look like but I know that God is prompting me to evaluate the large amount of time I spend on the computer. It may not be "spending" physical strength, but it is "spending" my time in a way that I'm not comfortable with. So time to change! :)

Acts 20:24 "However, I consider my life worth nothing to me, if only I may finish the race and complete the task the Lord Jesus has given me--the task of testifying to the gospel of God's grace."
This is where I want to spend my strength. Insuring my husband and children are full of God's truths and have knowledge of His love and saving grace.

Will you trust me?

Ethan was diagnosed with epilepsy a year and a half ago. When he first started having seizures, I was a mess. I was so scared for him, and, being honest, myself. I hated seeing him like that and I just didn't know how to deal with it. I finally came to a place of surrender. I came to the end of my own strength and had to place Ethan in the loving hands of God. I learned to trust God with his disease.

This week, everything has changed. We may have to try medicine, (which I have been against since his diagnosis), his seizures are getting scarier, and they are not even sure if his diagnosis is correct due to the amount of seizures he has.

I am back to the place I was at when he was diagnosed-confused, scared,and frankly, freaking out.

I have been praying and praying this week and the question I seem to keep getting back is, "Will you trust me? Will you still trust me?"

I want to say that it is easy for me to say yes, but I am struggling.

However, I think I am learning something this week. I do trust God. Totally, completely. I know that he not only sees what is happening in my life, but his hand is upon it.

What I am struggling with is the peace that comes from that knowledge.

I came to the most amazing place after Ethan had several cycles of seizures. It was a place of total surrender. A place of taking my precious child and placing him in the hands of the One who loves him even more than I do.

I read a quote from the book "Becoming a Vessel God Can Use" by Donna Partow last night that I can't get out of my head. She wrote,"I trust you will find the same comfort I have been comforted with: the knowledge that every road we go down, God goes down before us."

What I need the most right now is some time alone with God to let him refill me. I need to soak in his promises and let them be the balm that soothes my heart. I need his Word to assure me of his promises. Even in this unsettled place that I have fallen into, I know with certainty one thing that makes my heart glad.

God has not changed. He has not moved. He is the same today as he was yesterday.

I am so, so grateful for that.

Life with epilepsy

About a week ago, we passed the one year anniversary of Ethan's diagnosis with Rolandic epilepsy. Thoughts of the past year have been on my mind this week.

When we went to have his tests, he had only had two seizure-like episodes that were about a year apart. I was convinced when we went to Children's Hospital for testing they were not going to find anything. I was sure that they were going to tell us they couldn't find anything wrong and that he was perfectly fine.

I still felt this way when they took us into the small room and started hooking him up to all the leads for his EEG. I was a little embarrassed that they would feel we were wasting their time. He did great with the beginning of the test. Nothing out of the ordinary. At one point, they were flashing a strobe light type thing in his face and then she made him take quick, deep breaths for three minutes. It was during this time that all of a sudden his body seemed to take over and what I was watching was not normal. I knew at that moment that I had been wrong and that I was not walking out of that hospital with the answer that I thought I was going to get. That he was fine. That they weren't sure what we saw but it was nothing to worry about. They had him fall asleep then for 30 minutes and I sat with hem in a dark, quiet room with these thoughts spinning around in my head. I just prayed at that point that God would give us something that we could handle and that He would walk us through it.

When Ethan woke up, they had us meet with the nuerologist. His diagnosis? Rolandic epilepsy, a childhood form of epilepsy that he should outgrow with puberty. While I was shocked by the diagnosis, I was ecstatic that it was something he would outgrow. The doctor agreed to let us try to go without meds and suggested a firm schedule and lots of sleep. One of the triggers for seizures is fatigue, so keeping Ethan well rested is high on the list of priorities.

Fast forward a year. He has had between 25-30 seizures. I can't begin to explain how awful it is to watch your child like this and not be able to do anything. What has been incredible is how present God has been in this process. Ethan seems to have a pattern of going around two months with out having any seizures and then having a week of them. I have had to rely on the Lord to hold me up during these weeks. I have developed a thought that I use when I feel like I am drowning. I pray to God, "Lord, you already know how this day will end. I know that no matter what happens, you are already aware and have taken care of it all." Knowing that God is aware and will take care of it relieves me of that burden.

Ethan is doing so great. He is active and played soccer, basketball, and softball this year. His teacher raved about the insight he offered into the discussions they had at school. He has had the opportunity to hear his mother pray over him and trust God for him. He has had opportunity to pray himself and place his day in God's hands. He is normal! He just has epilespy. He is such a blessing to our family and I am so thankful to God for him!