Thursday, January 13, 2011

Will you trust me?

Ethan was diagnosed with epilepsy a year and a half ago. When he first started having seizures, I was a mess. I was so scared for him, and, being honest, myself. I hated seeing him like that and I just didn't know how to deal with it. I finally came to a place of surrender. I came to the end of my own strength and had to place Ethan in the loving hands of God. I learned to trust God with his disease.

This week, everything has changed. We may have to try medicine, (which I have been against since his diagnosis), his seizures are getting scarier, and they are not even sure if his diagnosis is correct due to the amount of seizures he has.

I am back to the place I was at when he was diagnosed-confused, scared,and frankly, freaking out.

I have been praying and praying this week and the question I seem to keep getting back is, "Will you trust me? Will you still trust me?"

I want to say that it is easy for me to say yes, but I am struggling.

However, I think I am learning something this week. I do trust God. Totally, completely. I know that he not only sees what is happening in my life, but his hand is upon it.

What I am struggling with is the peace that comes from that knowledge.

I came to the most amazing place after Ethan had several cycles of seizures. It was a place of total surrender. A place of taking my precious child and placing him in the hands of the One who loves him even more than I do.

I read a quote from the book "Becoming a Vessel God Can Use" by Donna Partow last night that I can't get out of my head. She wrote,"I trust you will find the same comfort I have been comforted with: the knowledge that every road we go down, God goes down before us."

What I need the most right now is some time alone with God to let him refill me. I need to soak in his promises and let them be the balm that soothes my heart. I need his Word to assure me of his promises. Even in this unsettled place that I have fallen into, I know with certainty one thing that makes my heart glad.

God has not changed. He has not moved. He is the same today as he was yesterday.
I am so, so grateful for that.


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